Category: Life..


Being a Virgin Isn’t Enough

Going through my twitter time line, i stumbled upon a post of my favorite bloggers.. well forgive me, it caught my attention only because the word ‘virgin’ was written.. but as i read on, i did not regret it one bit..lesson learnt.. the owner of the post? her name is chadia mathurin, Enjoy,

 

 

It’s 2:57 am and I can’t sleep. God has placed some things of great significance on my heart as it pertains relationships and emotions

and how these things affect Christian men and women. I am a 22 year old Christian woman. I have never been in a relationship. My

lips remain untouched. I am a virgin. Yet, I am not owner to that sense of wholeness and purity that should come with my chaste

status. During the past couple of  weeks, I spent some time talking to God about that nagging feeling that stalked me; that feeling

said, “Chadia, being a virgin isn’t enough.” For others, it would read that being celibate isn’t enough. I found out that there was great

merit to this uncomfortable feeling and the disconcerting thought which it bred, and I will share with you why.

I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’m not exactly the type of woman who shies away from men. I shy away from relationships, but

not men. My personality is one that revels in winning. As such, I became a master of the game. I enjoyed mind games and the sense

of conquest that came with them, and the man who was the quintessential flirt was my perfect prey. I took pleasure in my ability to

make a man fall, but remain detached. By the time I was 17, I had read so many books that explained the psychology of the man in

contrast to the psychology of the woman that I had gleaned an understanding of men, well beyond my years. I understood things

about them that they themselves were yet to become aware of. What I thought was fun, would taint something that I deemed very

valuable: my purity.

In the Christian realm we often view purity as something having to do only with the physical; only as it pertains to sex. But I am fast

learning that emotional integrity is a big part of purity. God started to reveal to me how we as young  men and women give off pieces

of ourselves to others who are not our spouses. As a young woman, I shouldn’t be doing for another man what only my husband

should experience. Too many men have experienced the care and affection that only my husband should experience, too many men

have heard me say words that only my husband should hear, and too many men have received the affirmation that only my husband

should receive. Too many men have seen and experienced the power behind the woman that I am; the power that only my husband

should experience. As a young man, too many women should not  have experienced the care and affection that only your wife should

experience, too many women should not have heard you say the words that only your wife should hear, and too many women should

not  have received the affirmation that only your wife should receive.

When you’re young, armed with knowledge but not enough wisdom, the attachment (the individual to you) that comes with giving

away these pieces of yourself deceives you into believing that you are in a position of power. You believe that these other people are

getting hurt, but you have it under control. Trust me when I say that you have told yourself a big lie. To young women, I say to you

that you are compromising your emotional wholeness, which is unfair to both you and your future husband. To young men, I say to

you that your are compromising your emotional wholeness which is unfair both to you and your future wife. We become nothing but

robots of the game. The game was not created for us. We are Christians. It is not ours to play.

I asked myself if God were allow me to meet my husband today, would I be in a place of emotional integrity that he is worthy of? How

many men am I emotionally attached to? How many “friends” do I need to redefine my relationship with? Will I be able to love him as I

should? Would I be as open as I could be? How unfair would it be to him, that another man has experienced what is his? This is why I

say that we simply become robots of the game. All my game playing has left me in a place of emotional brokenness. I shouldn’t be

afraid to become attached to someone if he is serious about me, and has created an atmosphere of trust and comfort, but I am. I

shouldn’t be afraid to share certain things with someone if he has created an atmosphere of trust and comfort, but I am. It is important

to guard one’s heart, but mine is in a maximum security prison.

Despite still having some unattached pieces from the puzzle of emotional wholeness and integrity, God has allowed me to put many of

the pieces back together again. I don’t flirt anymore. It is a dangerous and unfair game. I watch how I give compliments. There is a

compliment and then there is the deliberate stroking of the ego. I understand that it is not my job to make a man who is not my

husband or intended husband feel like he is Superman. You affirm a man too much, he either becomes attached if he’s not averse to

the idea of a relationship or runs if he is averse. Affirmation is a powerful thing to a man, and if you can make him feel like he’s

Superman he also recognizes that you can become his kryptonite; meaning he recognizes that you are a force to be taken seriously.

I’ve learnt to set boundaries, and I’ve learnt to ask questions. I ask from the get go what a man’s intentions are where I’m concerned. If you are not serious about me, then we shouldn’t be having certain conversations, we shouldn’t be sharing certain jokes and

information, and you probably shouldn’t be taking me out to nice, cozy dinners and giving me gifts. I’ve also taken note of the things

that I value. I understand that giving gifts is a big part of how I  demonstrate love, so I don’t give gifts to all and sundry. It may be a

normal way of life to the man, but to me it’s a big deal, and somewhat alters the way I feel about an individual.

I don’t know how to guide a young man along the path of emotional integrity, but I can say this: I believe that God has called the

young men in the body to stand apart from the young men of the world. They stand apart by understanding that their rightful place is

the place of leadership. They stand apart by understanding that theirs is a role of protection, and subsequently demonstrating this

comprehension by guarding and protecting the emotions of the young women with whom they interact. They stand apart by operating

in integrity when pursuing a woman in the body. Gentlemen, it makes absolutely no sense pursuing women when you know that

settling down is afar off for you.  It is not your job to flatter a young woman that you have no intention of taking seriously, and you

should feel absolutely no guilt about it. It doesn’t matter how much you say that we are “just friends”. If your mouth is saying one thing

but your actions are saying another, the woman will most likely go with what you are doing. Do not be alarmed that even after you’ve

said a million times that we are just friends that a woman falls for you, if you’re treating her like only someone who is her man should

.

My eyes have become heavy, and the clacking sound of the keys of my keyboard is no longer appealing. I have church in a few

hours, but I would hope that this post would open the discourse on emotional integrity amongst young men and women of God, and

even those who are in the world. After all, he came that we would all have life more abundantly. I’m off for now. And it is possible that

you will hear more on this topic from me. Shalom!

 

Why Do Men Cheat?

Anyone who’s done it before knows it sucks. At best, you keep your mouth shut about a one-time slip and carry on for the duration of the relationship knowing that you’re a grade-A dush bag

And yet, we persist. Well, “we” as in men, not “we” including me, but I’ve been there before. I’ve done it. But why? Why have so many of us at some point in our lives done what we all know to be the cardinal no-no in relationships? Some blame biology and our predilection to spread our genes as far and wide as possible. Technically, it’s true. Re-productively speaking, indiscriminate lady boning is the most efficient way to ensure that the species flourishes. The problem is that it’s been about 50,000 years since our survival was ever in question. After all, it was humans (or puffins, or penguins, I can’t be sure) who invented “mating for life.” Why can most men get it right, while others can’t?

What follows is a list of “reasons” why men cheat. Reason might not be the right word, because it implies a lack of control or premeditation. That said, they aren’t really excuses, either, because an excuse is usually something you offer in lieu of a truer, more embarrassing explanation. What do we call them then? Good question. Without further adieu or confusion, here are the top 6 things related to why men cheat on their ladies

No. 6: You’re not getting any

Let’s all be adults here and agree that after a certain age, we commit to someone because we like her an awful lot and need a socially defensible way to sleep with her on the regular. I’m not trying to belittle anyone’s moral or religious views on the issue, nor is sex the most important part of a healthy relationship. But it is a big part, and as adults it’s really what separates friendship from romantic involvement. If you’re in an emotionally fulfilling but sexually inadequate relationship, it can almost be more frustrating than having no one at all. For guys unwilling to have a difficult conversation or jettison an incomplete relationship, cheating is often seen as an option

No. 5: She cheated on you

If you’re in high school or are just really immature, this probably makes a lot of sense. she cheated on you, but you love her too much to end it, so you figure evening the score will iron everything out. It’s tempting for any guy too weak or love-drunk to make tough decisions, although never in the history of mankind has hurting someone made you feel less hurt yourself. And, fellas, here’s a tip: If she cheated on you, she’s probably already checked out to the point where you turning the tables isn’t going to phase her much. If anything, you’re just validating feelings she already had.

No. 4: You want to know you’ve “still got it”

Everyone has a deep-seated need to feel wanted and attractive, not just by their significant other, but by the public at large. That’s why you clean yourself up when you’re just going out with your bros, or why your lady friend puts on makeup even if she’s just going shopping. Even the occasional harmless flirting by or with an attractive member of the opposite sex can put a little extra pep in your step, and that’s fine, because it’s likely your partner who will reap the benefits. For a truly insecure man, though, that won’t be enough. He needs to actually score in order to feel validated. If you combine the insecurity here with the barren sexual lake beds of No. 6, it’s almost (almost) understandable why some men stray.

No. 3: You COULDN’T say “no”

If we’re being honest, it’s not often that gorgeous women walk around waving their hoo-has in our faces and handing out open invitations for sexual intercourse. Still, I think most men have, at some point in their lives, had an attractive woman really come on strong to them. How we handle it depends on several factors, dating status presumably chief among them. Single? Great, hit it like it owes you money. Not single? You know what the answer should be, but do you have the will power?  The kind of man who gives into this kind of temptation is often less experienced with women, and despite his being spoken for, believes it to be an opportunity he can’t pass up. But if you’ve been around the block a time or two, you see that kind of come-on for what it is: abnormal, desperate and kind of a turnoff. If it helps, you can say you couldn’t blame her because you’re so handsome.

No. 2: She disgusts you

Sometimes in a long-term relationship, people let themselves go. Maybe she’s gained a ton of weight, maybe she’s developed a drinking problem or maybe she just can’t seem to get her sh*t together in general. Whatever it is, the problem with familiarity is that you don’t notice these things as they happen over time, the way you would with a friend or relative you don’t see very often. Instead, all of a sudden, you wake up one day and realize the creature sharing your apartment is a far cry from the girl you first said “I love you” to. Again, for some men, it comes down to choosing between having a difficult (potentially fruitless) discussion or just chasing tail elsewhere.

No. 1: You don’t love her anymore

Here’s a fun exercise if you’re single: Go find an ex you truly couldn’t care less about anymore, and have sex with her. Not quite what it used to be, is it? Love (or at least feelings), we learn as we get older, is a big part of what makes great sex great. Take those away, and you’re just two animals humping. It’s why one-night stands usually kind of suck, and why the aforementioned ex-sex is at best disappointing. When that happens, it’s tempting to replace those lost feelings with the excitement that comes with meeting and bedding someone new. It’s a poor substitute and, ultimately, delays the inevitable.

So are these reasons? Explanations? Let’s call them rationalizations, something between a reason and an excuse. Whatever a man tells himself (or his partner) to rationalize his infidelity, it belies the simple fact that he is involved in something in which he does not fully wish to be involved. If you feel like you’re going to cheat, try to determine if it’s for any of the above reasons (or something altogether different) and see if it can be resolved. If not, suck it up, be a man and get out. Cheating, above all else, is an act of disrespect and cowardice

Why Do Women Cheat?

Black-woman-cheating1

By Kim Seabrooks

Why women cheat is a very interesting topic of discussion, as the reasons why women cheat are much different than the reasons men cheat. This article will discuss the top four reasons why women cheat on their partners. If anyone can think any others reasons, please let us know.

#1: She feels ignored and unloved.

The main reason that women cheat on their partners is not for physical gratification, but for emotional gratification. If a woman feels that her partner doesn’t care about her, doesn’t really love her, or ignores her, she is going to try to find someone else that will care about her, love her, and not ignore her. This is why most women, when they cheat, fall in love with or think they have fallen in love with the person they have cheated with—they feel that that person understands them, loves them, will appreciate them, and not ignore them.

#2: She’s not satisfied sexually.

Although emotional gratification is more likely the reason for a woman to cheat that sexual gratification, a woman still may cheat because she is not sexually satisfied. Even if the woman and her partner are regularly having sex, the woman may not feel that they are really making love. Also, the woman might find that having sex with new, different men is more exciting than only having sex with one person.

#3: She’s getting revenge.

If a woman is hurt or angry about her partner’s past actions, she might cheat to get back at them. Women who are treated poorly, are in a loveless relationship, or are abused by their partners may find that cheating is a way of revenge or even rebellion against them.

#4: She’s doesn’t respect her partner.

A woman may cheat on her partner because she has lost respect for them. A woman can lose respect for her partner for a number of different reasons, including the reasons already listed above: she is being ignored, she feels unloved, she is not being sexually satisfied, she is treated poorly, and/ or she is abused. Other reasons could be that her partner is not making as much money as they did in the past, her partner has gained some weight, or her partner no longer exhibits one or several of the characteristics she once loved best about her partner. When this becomes the case, a woman may look for someone that makes more money, is in better physical shape, or possessed the characteristics that she misses in her partner.

These top four reasons why women cheat give you a bit of insight into the minds of women. Now that you’re in the know about why women cheat, you can use this information in your relationship to make sure that you’re treating your girl right so she won’t cheat on you!

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Relationships are beautiful things, no doubt. They give you this sense of security, that someone special has got your back; you have someone to run to whenever it seems the whole world is turning against you, and best of all, that you are being loved for who you are.

Unfortunately though, bad relationships – or rather, relationships gone bad – are sometimes inevitable. The best thing any ‘victim’ can do is to do everything possible to get over such mishap – and everything allied to it.
One good way to do such is to listen to songs that will help you get over your ex.
It’s rather sad that most Nigerian singers have subconsciously neglected this dark area of life, and gradually (over time), no one is saying anything therapeutic about breakups. This inspired the a search for the most suitable Nigerian tunes for breakups; not really the ones that will keep you moping over your misfortune, but those that should really help you get over your ex!

Say Your Love – P-Square

6 Nigerian Tunes to Help You Get Over Your Ex

“You say your love no dey lie, say your feelings no dey die; see me girl (now) I dey cry”. You’d think guys were the ones bad with promises until you give this track a good listen. She even cheated on the innocent and sincere P-Square with ‘his’ best friend. “Get out of my sight make you find your way” goes the verdict of the ‘played’ lover. Too bad he loved her ‘pass his mama’, and now he wants to die. But he won’t! Put this soulful classic tune on replay all day, and I bet you’d feel better about your breakup, especially if you actually pulled the red card!

Ego – Djine

6 Nigerian Tunes to Help You Get Over Your Ex

Okay, love-bereft and heart-broken boyfriends are finally tired of begging and doing everything to please the unloving girlfriend, and are ready to go and ‘start life anew’. This is the lamentation of a lover who has put everything into a relationship he really thought would move to the next level – marriage, and had been a victim of spiteful criticism from friends and family because of the love he has for a woman who did not appreciate or reciprocate this feeling in the slightest bit. “If I die how I go appreciate say when I dey this world I don fall in love? If you help me see Ego, make you tell am I don go…” tuneful singer and super-producer Djinee bemoans. Such plaintive and emotional pidgin-English tune for any regretting lover who wants to leave everything behind and start all over.

Game Over – P-square

6 Nigerian Tunes to Help You Get Over Your Ex

Failed promises from a woman again; and the incredible crooner twins are once again the victims. She kept hanging up when he called, and she kept telling all her friends she wanted to break up – all this after cheating badly. Thank God he didn’t wait till she did the worst.
Warning: “If I dey go left, make you dey go right… if I dey go front, make you dey waka dey go!” So sorry about the break-up, but that part is a bit funny. That game was truly over! Tell that ex with all confidence; “this game is over”!

Not the Girl – Darey

6 Nigerian Tunes to Help You Get Over Your Ex

You’d almost be moved to tears even without a bad breakup or an unforgivable ex when you allow yourself to dive deep into the grief-stricken lyrics and penetrating instrumentals of this song. The song is not yet at the break-up stage, but it will serve as a good reminder of how you noticed her/his negative changes, how you thought you ‘lost her/him long ago like a book that’s left the shelf’ and how much you’d been expecting her to leave. Stop wondering how it all went wrong, forget how much you tried and all the tears you cried – she’s gone and gone for good! With a strong resolution to put the emotions in check ‘next time’, all in a bid to protect his ‘poor heart’, this is versatile and multi-talented Darey Art Alade’s masterpiece for loves gone bad.

Bibanke – Asa

6 Nigerian Tunes to Help You Get Over Your Ex

This emotional masterpiece translates to ‘When I’m Crying’. This song tells the story of a bad break-up obviously initiated by a guy who was actually no longer in the relationship except for his physical appearance. Asa bitterly recounts how the player swayed her with his sweet words and very believable assurances earlier in the relationship, and also regrets how she’d been ‘a fool’. “When I’m crying, even if water is flowing, just leave me alone!” At the end of it all, classic lyricist Asa only had ‘surrendering everything to God’ as a last resort. There are very strong lyrics throughout the song. This sad tune with Yoruba chorus and bridge will surely be evergreen for bad break-ups!

Once Bitten – 9ice

6 Nigerian Tunes to Help You Get Over Your Ex

Whenever a set of lyrics is not written out of mere creativity, but the words flow out of real life experience and the song gets released as it was hot, anyone would really feel the pain of the singer. Such was the experience Nigerians had with 9ice’s “Once Beaten”. I wouldn’t want to dig up unpleasant stories, but this song is a perfect way to assure yourself that you are wiser and can’t make the same mistake again or fall for the same trick twice. The singer’s story was actually – and sadly – a bad marriage. “Once bitten, twice shy” indeed!

As part of the campaign against under age marriage, Nollywood actress and musician, Stella Damasus lends her voice to the #ChildNotBride campaign!

watch here

#ChildNotBride

Budgit-Infographic-ChildNotBride

The recent Constitutional Review carried out by the Nigerian Senate caused agitation and uproar, when the Senate resolved to retain section 29(4)(b) of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria (CFRN).

Taken literally, this provision of the CFRN provides that for the purpose of renunciation of Nigerian citizenship, any woman is deemed to be of full age. After this resolution, Nigerians home and abroad began a campaign- #ChildNotBride- on the premise that the retention of this provision of the CFRN somehow endorses child marriage.

It is shameful that while our neighbors like Ghana are planning to increase d marriageable age from 21 to 23 years, Nigeria is debating whether or not child marriage should be allowed. Simply put, child marriage is repulsive, reprehensible, appalling, abhorrent, etc.

This is what a well known senator  had to say concerning the issue:

Ahmed Yerima-
‘Nigeria has many uncountable problems and none of them is early marriage. As a matter of fact early marriage is the solution to about half of our problems. For those who wonder if I can give my daughter(s) out in marriage at the age of 9 or 13, I tell you most honestly, I can give her out at the age of 6 if I want
to and its not your business.

This is because I am a Muslim and I follow the example of the best mankind, Muhammad. In Islam, marriage is not on about séx, it is about family and helping one another in achieving their
goals, which is the attainment of Paradise.

In Islam, a girl can be given out in marriage as early
as 6 years old, but consummátion of the marriage can only be done when the girl becomes physically mature and she gives her consent to it because unlike English law, it is not permissible for a man To
Molést his wife in Shari’ah Law.

After reading what this ‘gentleman’ said, i was speechless, annoyed frustrated and sick of this country..i had no words to express such anger… well, not until stella damascus (a well known nollywood actress and widow 😦 ) came out and blasted the Nigerian senate and also our beloved mummy first lady on their lack of common sense.. thank you stella  😀

what did she say?

In her words Stella said, “I have read and studied all the stupid reasons that Senator Yerima and his colleagues have tabled to sponsor the bill…I can not believe the Senators of Nigeria would waste tax payers money sitting down and planning to legalize the selfish interest of some old randy men in marrying off young girls…”

The Widow star didn’t stop at Senator Yerima as she gave a piece of her mind to the Nigeria first lady, Patience Jonathan.

Oh wait a minute, where is the first lady of Nigeria, Patience Jonathan? Why haven’t we heard your voice? You derive pleasure in lending your voice to issue that do not concern you but this issue is right under you and we expect to hear your voice because you are the mother of Nigeria…mother of the nation…If you do not stand up and put a stop to this madness, then I’m really sorry, it’s a shame!” Stella gushed.

Apparently, some senators have come out to say that their motion was mis-interpreted by Nigerians..  a certain senator Odunsi had this to say

What the Senate attempted to do that day was to expunge that clause but couldn’t do so due to shortage of 13 votes because 60 senators voted for its removal as against 73 required votes while 35 voted for its retention.

“Therefore, from what happened on the floor of the Senate last Tuesday, the Senate attempted to expunge the somewhat archaic clause and not in any way created the law as now wrongly portrayed by Nigerians”, he clarified.

Source: Vanguard News

*sigh* Seeing a list of 35 senators that supported this just kills my heart, are these the people that Nigerians have voted into power to rule them. If yes is the answer then this is not a country I will want to be a citizen, a country where the future of my unborn child is uncertain and where a grown man in his supposed ‘right senses’ would want to get married to a 13 year old child. It is barbaric to ask a child to be a mother, ask another child to beget another child. At age 13 I know that I would want my daughter to have all the loving and care in the world and not be bothered about such things as marriage and the issues that trail it. We have more pressing issues of ASSU strike, NUPENG issues, electricity issues, Boko Haram crisis and some other insecurity issues, education is in a sorry state, most of our roads are nothing but routes to hell, death traps and all these are relegated to the backburner to bring up an issue that shouldn’t have even seen the light of day in the first instance.

*sigh* last thoughts? Give the girl child a pen and not a penis, give her books and leave her boobs, an education and not ejaculation. Speak out today so that we do not get trodden up, our voices must be heard.

#ChildNotBride Give The Girl a pen not a penis

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